PM Lies Bleeding in Pork Barrel

Sensational developments at parliament house yesterday as the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, was found in a pork barrel bleeding profusely from several knife wounds to the back. He was immediately taken to Canberra Hospital where his surgeon Dr Arbib announced that, whilst he was expected to live, unfortunately he would not be able to continue his political career and Julia Gillard would be taking over – thus becoming Australia’s first female prime minister.

As of this afternoon, the crime scene was crawling with Australian Federal Police but apparently the only evidence they have discovered so far is several miner's hard hats. Confidential sources reported that rumours had been circulating for several weeks that a contract had been taken out on the PM by a consortium of Mining Companies, Emissions Trading proponents and several Queensland mothers whose sons had been electrocuted by tin foil. However, Labour powerbroker Bill Shorten, speaking on the party’s behalf denied there was any truth in the rumours.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Rudd gave an emotional farewell to the Australian public:

"I am proud of the fact I spent $16.2 bn Building an Education Revolution and keeping those developers, builders and tradies employed building pools and basket ball courts for our kids.

I am proud of the fact I spent over $2bn insulating over one million homes and keeping those unskilled roof insulators employed and the chardonnay greenies happy, despite burning and electrifying a few homes and people in the process.

I am proud of the fact I earmarked $43bn to build a third telecommunication network to deliver broadband services to all Australians, including people who do not have running water and those gone walkabout.

I am proud of the fact, I extended the FHOG, guaranteed over $200 bn of wholesale debt and established Rudd Bank to purchase $16 bn of illiquid RMBS and $10 bn ill-conceived developments, keeping those interest rates low and bonuses flowing for the property developers, investment bankers, and the Aussie battler.

I am proud of the fact, I botched the Emissions Trading Scheme, keeping the coal industry competitive for our miners.

I am proud of the fact I tried to fund these Economic Stimulus policies by proposing a Resources Super Profits Tax, which was cynically designed to impact as few voters as possible.

I am proud of the fact my government has given some form of hand-out to almost every Australian, with the exception of the aborigines who only got a cheap sorry.

(Sobbing)

I just don’t understand, after giving a big slice of pork to just about everybody, 

who would want to harm me?"

At a press conference, the new Prime Minister, Ms Gillard, paid tribute to Mr Rudd’s contributions to both Labor and the Australian public and said that he would always have her support and loyalty. When questioned about the proposed Mining Tax she said that Labor was committed to the introduction of the tax but scrutiny of the video afterwards revealed she had her fingers crossed at the time she said so. Ms Gillard left the press conference mumbling "Out, damn'd spot! out, I say".

The ASX 200 rallied 10% led by the BHP and Rio Tinto.

See link: Laying Rudd's Headstone